Today is something I wrote last night. It is not perfect, but I spoke my mind, and it helped me a lot to get that out. I choose not to edit the text much, so all the feelings are still here!
I want this little blog to be like my home on the Internet. I wanted to have a home so I could go wander onto Instagram and Pinterest, and be able to take part in the discussion, to also have a place in the bullet journal and world.
So today I took the plunge, and here we are. Even though I’m French, I choose to speak here in English, to reach out and interact with more people.
I am a last year student, and 2017 truly is for me the year of the unknown. And where there is unknown there is fear and worry, and I have a lot of those. I tried not to think much about it, take it one day, one task, one minute at a time. First I will finish my school year, then I will do an internship and finally I will receive my diploma. For the first time in my life, I will forever say goodbye to state education. And then I am on my own; to find a job, a city, a place to live. And through all that, most of all I want to stay physically with my boyfriend. I want to come home at night and spend the evening together, to have hugs whenever we feel like it. I don’t want to be alone (again).
I am kind of a people person. It is not so easy for me to initiate contact, I am quite shy, nonetheless I can quickly become talkative. Some friend said about me that I see or do is either “it’s terrific” or “it’s horrible”. And you can literally read it on my face. Sometimes it is like I am constantly living in a feeling rollercoaster, up and down with no middle at all.
I could use my bullet journal to actively set goals, accomplish them, grow my personal development. I could track my mood, in a mandala, a year in pixel, in a line in the monthly or weekly tracker… but I don’t. The main reason is, again, fear. I think I know myself pretty well. I know what makes happy, scared, sad, hopeful, alive. I know my strengths and weaknesses. And all of that, even if it is just a blur, I have the thought of it but not the word, it exists, and it defines me.
I did not start journalling soon enough that I can go back through the pages and see myself evolving. I didn’t change much over the last couple of years, and I guess I am now afraid of changing. If I managed to take out one of my weaknesses, one of my bad habits, what will take its place? If I am successful in keeping this blog up and running, what will I not be doing while writing? And I know that all of those things are good things, really. From what I’ve read, having a blog helps you grow. Again, I’ll take a guess and say I am not yet ready to change the equilibrium I have. I have good and bad days, happy and hard moments. I’m running into circles, but honestly it just came to my mind :again I am afraid of the unknown, unknown me of the future, but I just realized, if I work on taking out my current bad days, new types of bad days will emerge, to cope with the new, better me.
And here goes flying my reluctance against miracle morning, level 10 life and such (sorry Hal Elrod). I’ve read too many books and too many stories concluding on the importance of balance and equilibrium that I just cannot sincerely think of a possible me with only positive sight. Perhaps I missed their point somewhere, or perhaps I am just not ready.
From what I’ve seen, those people are established in life : home, job, family… even the student ones are so deep in the college thing…. That last bit is strange. I was one of those students last year. But having to give everything up this year and being pushed to the next level of life is not easy. Maybe I have just too much on my plate now to think of starting that. My thoughts are running in circles, I am running in circles.
Thanks for reading, lovelies !
That was definitely not one of the funniest things I’ve written, but everyone has to start somewhere, don’t they? I would love to hear from you! Do you know where you’re going with your life?